Derogatory Comments from Ex - Can't Afford Family Court

[Blue Grass]

For months, now the ex has been sending emails that are both derogatory and verbally abusive. Now the ex is telling the children (when on access) that I am basically stupid, and am mentally not all there. (I will add that I have a degree and am working on an MBA). We have limited contact and comments are unfounded and nothing more than an effort to have the children turn against me and live with the ex. I can't afford to go to family court. Is there anything I can do?

This is in no way in the best interest of the children.

 

[sammy01]

Write back and tell him/her to stop. In the emails, also mention you have concerns about the communication between him/her and the kids. In short, be assertive.

If it continues, then take the emails to the cops and tell them you feel intimidated. You might find the cops will be prepared to make an AVO against the ex on the grounds of the harassing emails. If not then learn to ignore, ignore, ignore...

I've been in the same situation. Best day of my life is when I taught myself not just to ignore the emails / offensive crap, but to completely emotionally switch off to it. All of a sudden I felt calm and it was great.

Oh and as far as the kids go - look, you can't control what other people say / do, but you can control what you say / do. In my case, the kids started to perceive their mum's actions / words / behaviour as the problem. In short, they sided with me. One day, when I was picking up the kids and my ex was ranting at me for something stupid, my 9 year old told her mum to leave me alone. My little girl was displaying the sort of behaviour I've always tried to teach, show respect and stand up against bullying.

When you say something negative to a child about their parent, the result will ALWAYS be that the child disrespects the person who is saying the negative. Kids are good like that.

 

[Blue Grass]

Thank you, Sammy. I have been doing my best to ignore the emails, but it's not just aimed at me but also my parents. I have spoken to the cops, but they were not much help and knowing the amount of money the ex has, I would not risk trying anything legal as he will just turn up with a barrister which I can't afford.

Your comment in regards to the children being on the side of the parent the comments are aimed at is interesting as it was the kids who told me what is going on at the other house and they are rapidly turning against the other side. My concerns are always for the kids and how they will grow up having had to go through all this rubbish for so many years. They are at the point of hating to go on access, but I continue to encourage and try to do the right thing. Just really hard when the other side appears hell bent on being as nasty as possible and refusing to work with me for the best outcome for the children.

 

[sammy01]

How old are the kids?

Look, don't copy and paste but can you give something a bit more specific about the derogatory comments?

 

[Blue Grass]

Hi Sammy,

Sorry, I have to be really careful what I say as the X trolls these sorts of sites looking for anything that can be used against me. Comments relate to the fact that I am far from normal, have an IQ well below normal average levels and my behaviour is affecting the children. As we have very limited contact, everything is just simply made up to cause stress. The children are at primary school age

 

[sammy01]

Look, sadly, I reckon he is being smart. Saying you're well below normal IQ is saying that you're stupid, but he isn't using that word. So I don't think you've got much going for you as far as getting legal suggestions.

I can give you personal thoughts...I learnt to respond using one short phrase... It went something like - "In response to your comments, they have no relevance and I can only assume that you're purpose is to cause conflict. Please stop. Regardless, I'm not interested."

It didn't take long before my ex stopped with the vitriolic nonsense. My response was calm, demonstrated that she wasn't getting to me and that I considered her to be the problem... It only took a few months, but it also made me feel good about myself.

I don't think it is worth the effort of court etc. because no magistrate can make an unreasonable person become reasonable.

Cheers

 

[Blue Grass]

Morning Sammy,

Thank you. I like the suggestion re the response to emails and I will definitely give that a try. The ex does use exact words far worse than stupid, but the last thing I want is more conflict or more court especially as the judge is very one-sided. It's the kids I worry about. It's not a good thing to hear what is being said about me from the point of view, will they grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable behaviour? Orders are clear, you don't talk about the ex in a negative way, so all I can do is say - thank you for telling me that, but that is not a nice thing to say about anyone, and leave it at that.

Again thanks for your help, it is very much appreciated.

 

[sammy01]

Yup, be the better person and let the kids see you being that person. But by not giving the bully an emotional response, you're not letting them win... If you have something in your orders then quote it directly back. So I'd say something like, "being abusive towards me isn't productive co-parenting and you're breaching the court orders. Please stop..."

 

[Blue Grass]

Thanks, Sammy. good to get someone else's point of view. I like your responses and will give them a try. Have a great Christmas