WA Applicant father considering FVRO application to stop emails

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Match

Well-Known Member
13 February 2019
28
2
124
Hi all! It's been a while since I've posted. I'm helping my partner self-rep as the applicant in a case for parenting (and now property) orders. It's going well - huge thanks to previous posts and advice from @sammy01 @Tremaine @AllForHer 💙

My partner's ex-wife's Legal Aid lawyer was able to get her to agree to a bunch of orders by consent at the last directions hearing, meaning his time with child is now protected - awesome. Obviously, ex-wife is struggling with this change. She hasn't breached any of the orders, and has made child available when she would normally withhold - but has unfortunately reverted to old habits (which have, to her credit, calmed down a lot since proceedings were initiated) - there's many, but the most damaging to my partner's mental health are the insanely long, abusive emails riddled with WORDS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

We don't need or want more evidence against her, he just wants to leave the past in the past and get along for child's sake, keep communications short and sweet. My partner is a war veteran with PTSD - he has done a lot of work and continues to do so to improve his self-esteem, resilience, self-care, emotional responses etc. He's a wonderful dad and has a great relationship with kiddo (as do I). However, with PTSD it's really easy to knock someone into a negative spiral. Her emails are seriously damaging to his quality of life, and he just wants them to stop.

Today he's asked me, "Do you think it's almost worth getting a VRO against her?"

So I'm asking here - what do you guys think? He's happy to receive child-related communication from her but doesn't want the abuse, threats of withholding etc. She has no desire to get along and feels no obligation to play nice for kid's sake. I know you can't necessarily control crazy with court orders, but it's the only thing that's helped so far. Should we seek advice into making an FVRO application? What have your experiences been?
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
5,152
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nope. Forget the VRO. CAPITAL letters is a crime against grammar but it isn't a crime according to criminal law.

Solution - The bat phone... See back in the day I was having a post traumatic distress disorder response to my phone. I panicked every time it rang. So I sent a message to all my contacts (except one) informing them of my new phone number. Guess who was the one person who I did NOT inform of the new number? yup you guessed it. I got a nice new phone with a nice new ring tone for the people who matter to me to ring me on. The other phone? keep reading.

So the bat phone stayed in the boot of the car. I turned it on just prior to my visits with the kids. Turned it off the whole time the kids were with me and ALWAYS kept it locked in the boot of the car.

Same with email. I set up an email account that I'd check occasionally and because she had my work email I organised a bat folder and any emails from her went straight in there. That way I needed to check the folder to see if she had emailed. No more anxiety everytime I logged onto my work email.

No family court order or VRO order can order a f-wit to stop being a f-wit. So you guys need to learn strategies to tame your dragon.

The other thing is a VRO is a very bad idea. Throwing fuel on a fire.

Now as far as long emails... One strategy I used was I wrote to the ex and told her that I will always open the emails however, as soon as it became apparent that the content was not child related I would stop reading. But look even that didn't work all that well.

So my advice (respectfully) grow a back bone. A bit of tough love and well intentioned. So let me explain. I was a mess. Valium popping mess. Slowly I started to understand that I can't control the ex's antics. Stuff like throwing soiled underwear at me at change overs, swearing at me infront of the kids. Calling my parents. Long winded emails and stupid demands. I was an emotional wreck. Then a mate said something that stuck with me... It went something like this. "She is your ex. YOUR EX. You don't have to give a fcuk about her and what she thinks" Bloody good advice so far... It gets better "She doesn't give a fcuk what you think" oh. right so SHE doesn't give a fcuk what I think.... Why the hell should I give a fcuk about what she thinks? Hmmm.

Look it takes practice. But I actively taught myself to smile and nod. My motivation? I wanna out live that chick and I'm not gonna let the stress she causes to contribute towards me having a heart attack and dying before my time.
rant over.
 
Last edited:

Match

Well-Known Member
13 February 2019
28
2
124
nope. Forget the VRO. CAPITAL letters is a crime against grammar but it isn't a crime according to criminal law.

Solution - The bat phone... See back in the day I was having a post traumatic distress disorder response to my phone. I panicked every time it rang. So I sent a message to all my contacts (except one) informing them of my new phone number. Guess who was the one person who I did NOT inform of the new number? yup you guessed it. I got a nice new phone with a nice new ring tone for the people who matter to me to ring me on. The other phone? keep reading.

So the bat phone stayed in the boot of the car. I turned it on just prior to my visits with the kids. Turned it off the whole time the kids were with me and ALWAYS kept it locked in the boot of the car.

Same with email. I set up an email account that I'd check occasionally and because she had my work email I organised a bat folder and any emails from her went straight in there. That way I needed to check the folder to see if she had emailed. No more anxiety everytime I logged onto my work email.

No family court order or VRO order can order a f-wit to stop being a f-wit. So you guys need to learn strategies to tame your dragon.

The other thing is a VRO is a very bad idea. Throwing fuel on a fire.

Now as far as long emails... One strategy I used was I wrote to the ex and told her that I will always open the emails however, as soon as it became apparent that the content was not child related I would stop reading. But look even that didn't work all that well.

So my advice (respectfully) grow a back bone. A bit of tough love and well intentioned. So let me explain. I was a mess. Valium popping mess. Slowly I started to understand that I can't control the ex's antics. Stuff like throwing soiled underwear at me at change overs, swearing at me infront of the kids. Calling my parents. Long winded emails and stupid demands. I was an emotional wreck. Then a mate said something that stuck with me... It went something like this. "She is your ex. YOUR EX. You don't have to give a fcuk about her and what she thinks" Bloody good advice so far... It gets better "She doesn't give a fcuk what you think" oh. right so SHE doesn't give a fcuk what I think.... Why the hell should I give a fcuk about what she thinks? Hmmm.

Look it takes practice. But I actively taught myself to smile and nod. My motivation? I wanna out live that chick and I'm not gonna let the stress she causes to contribute towards me having a heart attack and dying before my time.
rant over.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwww she threw used knickers at you?! Okay, you win!

Fair enough advice re: avoiding VROs - saves some paperwork at least! (Although how funny would it have been to have an FVRO or CAO specifically forbidding your ex from yeeting dirty duds in your direction? I can't imagine the legalise that would go into that clause...)

She's just emailed again, so I've spoken with him and activated a 'Stress Protect' rule on his emails so they'll automatically be marked as read, moved to a folder, and forwarded to me. If they need a response I'll discuss with him, if not, I will smile and move them to my own dedicated folder. She never gets a bite (these days), but I do hate wasting thinking time countering her arguments... It hasn't mattered how thoughtfully written or logical a response is - or if the Family Consultant, ICL, Child Support etc. also disagree - we are still ALL WRONG and she is the ONLY ONE thinking of the child's BEST INTERESTS.

Oh, and Australia's family law system is apparently BIASED TOWARDS FATHERS! You don't hear that one often.
 

Rosscoe

Well-Known Member
21 October 2020
65
2
199
Hey there

I don't think going for VRO is the solution here. The obvious one is giving no credence to the "bad behaviour" and high conflict communication - tough as this is sometimes. The VRO is likely just to make the situation worse and put your partner at greater risk at receiving communication that will affect him more. I'd say you need to do everything in your power to be the ones to reduce the conflict in messaging. Don't respond to bad e-mails, don't rise to the bait, don't give it any airtime whatsoever. Stick to talking about the wellbeing of the kid etc etc, and how the current communication only serves to be detrimental to the child.

A starting point may be e-mailing the ex and making a suggestion that you move communication to a parenting app that monitors the language used and how words are written. Say something along the lines of the current means of communication not being beneficial in any way to the co-parenting of the child and you think it would help tremendously if we move communication to such a platform etc.
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
5,152
720
2,894
Look I do think the legal system tries to be fair. It does seem to be the blokes who continue worrying about what the ex might think, do or say. My ex didn't give a fc*k about opinions I might have.

I reckon parenting apps are a good idea IF she suggests it. But she knows she can text and email so why should she agree. So I like the 'stress protect' rule. I have a vague recollection of having the ex blocked on my phone, but when I unblocked her all the text messages and missed phone calls would come through.... It kinda became a joke - How many text messages / missed calls today??? BUT I could choose when to view them rather than being scared all day at work when my phone rang. Short version is you just have to find your own way to train your dragon. They can smell fear, so your partner needs to work on that one.
 

Match

Well-Known Member
13 February 2019
28
2
124
Hey there

I don't think going for VRO is the solution here. The obvious one is giving no credence to the "bad behaviour" and high conflict communication - tough as this is sometimes. The VRO is likely just to make the situation worse and put your partner at greater risk at receiving communication that will affect him more. I'd say you need to do everything in your power to be the ones to reduce the conflict in messaging. Don't respond to bad e-mails, don't rise to the bait, don't give it any airtime whatsoever. Stick to talking about the wellbeing of the kid etc etc, and how the current communication only serves to be detrimental to the child.

A starting point may be e-mailing the ex and making a suggestion that you move communication to a parenting app that monitors the language used and how words are written. Say something along the lines of the current means of communication not being beneficial in any way to the co-parenting of the child and you think it would help tremendously if we move communication to such a platform etc.
That's a great idea. He has floated the parenting app suggestion previously and it was knocked down, but perhaps it's worth putting it out there again with your reasoning.
 

Match

Well-Known Member
13 February 2019
28
2
124
Look I do think the legal system tries to be fair. It does seem to be the blokes who continue worrying about what the ex might think, do or say. My ex didn't give a fc*k about opinions I might have.

I reckon parenting apps are a good idea IF she suggests it. But she knows she can text and email so why should she agree. So I like the 'stress protect' rule. I have a vague recollection of having the ex blocked on my phone, but when I unblocked her all the text messages and missed phone calls would come through.... It kinda became a joke - How many text messages / missed calls today??? BUT I could choose when to view them rather than being scared all day at work when my phone rang. Short version is you just have to find your own way to train your dragon. They can smell fear, so your partner needs to work on that one.
How to Train Your Dragon.. So adorable in the animated version - not so much in real life. Thankfully this lizard prefers the written word, which makes things easy when it comes to affidavits and building a timeline. A parenting app would be great, but yup, it's been shot down before. That was a while ago though, so going to put it out there again with @Rosscoe 's wording (I'll report back... keeping my expectations low).

I have already had to reiterate to partner that the Stress Protect rule can't Protect him from Stress if he willingly opens the folder!!
 

Rosscoe

Well-Known Member
21 October 2020
65
2
199
Yeah, it's imperative to protect the stress and manage that part of it. No doubt kids also pick up if you're stressed / anxious and all too often end up blaming themselves.

All the appreciation and gratitude for your partner's service to the country. I hope he is making full use of all the counseling services possible. Keeping a record of this can help should you end up in court. All the same, making use of a great counselor helps so much.

Personally, no harm in trying an app again. Shooting it down only reflects badly on her. Even undertake steps to set one up and invite her trying to be as amicable as possible etc.

But it's true... can't stop someone being a twit if they are a twit. So it's imperative to set up boundaries about how you will deal with communication going forward. If it's going to be there throughout child hood, best put in place your own boundaries now as to how you will deal with things going forward. Stick to those boundaries and after a little while even tell the OP these are my boundaries regarding communication. Please respect them. She will probably react adversely to this but stay the course and act within the boundaries you set up for yourselves (sounds like @Sammy has done exactly this)
 

Rosscoe

Well-Known Member
21 October 2020
65
2
199
Yeah, it's imperative to protect the stress and manage that part of it. No doubt kids also pick up if you're stressed / anxious and all too often end up blaming themselves.

All the appreciation and gratitude for your partner's service to the country. I hope he is making full use of all the counseling services possible. Keeping a record of this can help should you end up in court. All the same, making use of a great counselor helps so much.

Personally, no harm in trying an app again. Shooting it down only reflects badly on her. Even undertake steps to set one up and invite her trying to be as amicable as possible etc.

But it's true... can't stop someone being a twit if they are a twit. So it's imperative to set up boundaries about how you will deal with communication going forward. If it's going to be there throughout child hood, best put in place your own boundaries now as to how you will deal with things going forward. Stick to those boundaries and after a little while even tell the OP these are my boundaries regarding communication. Please respect them. She will probably react adversely to this but stay the course and act within the boundaries you set up for yourselves (sounds like @Sammy has done exactly this
 

GlassHalfFull

Well-Known Member
28 August 2018
544
51
2,289
The VRO is likely just to make the situation worse and put your partner at greater risk at receiving communication that will affect him more.

How could that be possible? The order would PROHIBIT her from contacting him except possibly for child arrangements (which would be limited in scope, albeit not well defined).