WA Advice for Stepmother

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Kelly225

Member
23 May 2017
2
0
1
My defacto partner and I have been together for 3 and half years. He has a daughter who is 4 who he has 50/50 custody with the mother. I usually pick up the child from the handover point on Wednesdays, drop her off at and pick her up from daycare on Thursdays and Fridays because I work slightly shorter hours than my partner and the daycare closes by the time he is usually able to pick her up. I also tend to handle more day to day care than my partner for example grooming, putting to bed, toilet training and general discipline since again, I work shorter hours therefore spend a bit more time with her. This is something my partner and I have discussed, and is how we would like our household run, especially while we're preparing and planning for children of our own, we do not want her to feel left out within our family. This arrangement does not upset the child and when we give her the choice she usually asks for me to help her with matters anyway.
Unfortunately, the mother is furious with this arrangement and believes because she didn't give her permission to this arrangement my partner and I have in our house she believes we are in breach of the court papers signed last year. The court papers do not state who is to care for the child in which household, only what times the child is to spend at each household, among a few other things regarding schooling, medical, travels and communication. The mother has sent many rather offensive and abusive messages to myself in regards to this matter and insists I have no rights. I would like to confirm where I, as a stepparent, stand on this matter and what rights I may have in this situation?

The mother is now insisting on having no communication through myself anymore, even though she has been happy to do so in the past, as she claims it is too stressful and makes her condition worse. She has claimed to be blocking my number, however, I have still received horrible messages from her afterwards. The Court papers state "All Communication between the parties in relation to the child is to be by text message or email, unless there is an emergency" Is she able to refuse communication from my specific phone? She has been informed that all messages she receives whether for my number or my partners is always discussed together before being sent to her anyway. She is even refusing simple messages for example "Has [the child] had any accidents today?" or "Please send a picture of [the child]'s toileting chart" as we have a copy of the child's chart in both houses which needs to be updated as the child goes to each house.

The court papers also state "The parties are to keep each other informed about their diagnoses, symptoms and prognoses for all medical issues, including psychiatric conditions that may affect their behavior or care for the child". My partner and I have requested that the mother send us a current note from her doctor or medical professional to confirm that her known mental conditions are not having any effect on the child, however, she has refused this note and says that her word and say so is enough on the matter. We think that she may be trying to hide details of her condition and fear that this condition is having a negative effect on the child, however, are unable to put our minds at ease without a medical professionals confirmation. Is there a way to get this medical note as she is refusing to get one?

We have tried speaking to her on these matters on many occasions via text, email and verbal word to try ease any hostility, however, have not prevailed and she seems to just get even angrier at us. We are trying to avoid court as we feel it is unnecessary and a waste of money, however, I would like a bit more insight on the matters above rather than sitting in the dark guessing about possible legalities and rights before we initiate the mediation process and most likely end up in court again.

With any answers to the above please note whether your answer is from your own experience, your opinion or if you're a qualified lawyer giving advice.

I thank you in advance for your help.
 

Lennon

Well-Known Member
11 September 2014
270
36
719
The mother can't tell you or your partner who should care for your stepdaughter while she is in your partner's care.

As the orders state that the "parties" (ie the mother and father) are to communicate by text message or email, they are the ones who should do the communicating (unless otherwise agreed - which is clearly not the case).

Are you aware of the mother having a diagnosed mental health condition? If so, what is the condition, and on what basis do you think it is impacting on your stepdaughter?
 

Kelly225

Member
23 May 2017
2
0
1
Hi Lennon,

The mother feels that she can control these decisions within our household and tell us that I am not allowed to care for my step daughter. Because we have explained that this is our house and this is the way we would like our family to be while here the mother is angry at us and therefore has become unfortunately stubborn regarding matters of the child's care.

The issue that's irked me is that the mother had no problem having communication through myself (as it is a bit easier for my partner and I) and had said on many occasions that she preferred it, then suddenly did a 180 and refused all contact. However, you may be right there and we may just have to try request an amendment to the court orders to include myself in communications as it looks like we will be going back to court anyway.

We have not received any formal medical paperwork or diagnosis as any time we have asked she has refused and becomes defensive. She has been admitted to the psychiatric ward at Perth Royal last year for a few months, where we visited on her request and the year before she ceased all contact with the child in order to go through therapy for a few months. She has claimed her condition is Fibromyalgia, also known as Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS) which is a condition with symptoms that include widespread, pervasive and chronic pain and tenderness in the body, and muscle stiffness, often accompanied by fatigue (hence a relationship with ME/CFS), cognitive disturbance/difficulties and emotional distress. There is no cure to this, just ways to manage symptoms. She has also informed us that she is going through Dialectal Behavior Therapy to assist with this condition, however, all we have is her say so. We do not wish the child to cease all contact with the mother, however, are concerned that the child is not being looking after properly while at her mothers house due to her mother's condition. The child often tells us that mummy didn't get out of bed today, mummy never washes or brushes my hair, mummy didn't make me breakfast or lunch. We do not want to purely take the 4 year old's word, however, this paired with the mother herself telling us that she struggles to do daily tasks like shower, cook dinner or do laundry, has made us very concerned which is why we would like confirmation from a medical professional that this condition, if true, isn't effecting the day to day care of the child.

Please excuse my clinical "the child"/"the mother" language, I feel it sounds horrible but I would prefer to keep names out of this.
 

Lennon

Well-Known Member
11 September 2014
270
36
719
She can't tell you what to do within your household. As an example, we are in the middle of proceedings at the moment, and the judge recently blasted my ex's lawyer for suggesting that our children should only spend time with me if I am on leave. He said it is entirely up to me how I care for them when they are with me, whether I look after them myself, have my partner care for them or pay for care.

In relation to the communication, I think it is highly unlikely that a court will order the mother to communicate with you, unless there is an extremely compelling reason for that. Being slightly more convenient/a bit easier probably won't cut it. It's probably best IMHO to just have your DP do the communicating with her.

The things that your stepdaughter is reporting do sound concerning. I am not sure that you will be able to avoid court in those circumstances. The admission to hospital itself is not a particular concern - the court would probably be pleased to know that the mother was not avoiding treatment and was dealing with her mental health issues. Not getting out of bed or caring for your stepdaughter's needs though, is a serious concern.
 

AllForHer

Well-Known Member
23 July 2014
3,664
684
2,894
Okay, I am going to take the personal guidance path over the legal guidance path on this one, because if I'm frank, I don't think you've got any grounds to file for new parenting orders through the Court.

My first observation is that there seems to be some difficulty respecting boundaries from both sides of the fence.

First, the mother is correct about her word being enough. The orders don't require that a medical certificate or doctor's note be provided, so she's met her obligation by telling you her condition, symptoms and prognosis. Simple.

Second, if the child is coming to you clothed, fed and healthy, then her mother is caring for her properly enough to satisfy the Court. If she lived primarily with you, she would receive different care, but the Court may not consider any more proper than what she's getting with her mother.

Third, if mum doesn't want to communicate with you, she doesn't have to. It's all well and good that she might have been okay with it in the past, but she isn't now, and that's her prerogative. The only person she has to communicate with is her ex.

Fourth, she doesn't need to know what goes on in your house, so why even tell her? She's always going to ask, exes are nosy and ours is particularly prone to looking for trouble when she's bored or lonely, but that doesn't mean you have to give her a response. Of course you and your partner will discuss everything first, of course you will be heavily involved in the child's care, but she doesn't need to be told that, and if it keeps the peace for the actual communication to come from him, so be it.

Fifth, don't put too much weight in what you think you know of the other household. Context is everything.

The mother suffers from fibromyalgia, so spending a day in bed from time to time is not unheard of, and by association, neither is not showering or cooking from time to time.

On top of that, the child's comments suffer from the cherry-picking skills of an egocentric, four-year-old informant - she will say what wins the most attention. 'Mummy never washes or brushes my hair' could just as easily be her interpretation of when mummy says 'You're a big girl, why don't you try brushing your own hair?'

I'm a step-mum, too, and your story is all too familiar to me, but I have found the best way to handle it is to be as a shadow as far as mum is concerned. She doesn't need to know anything about me or what goes on in our household.
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
5,152
720
2,894
YUP - forget the law... You need psychological advice.... I'm not a psychologist, but then I'm not a solicitor either.

Ok so mum had a medical condition that was psychological in nature.. Fortunately we do not live in the bad old days where this gets stigmatised GOOD..

That said, clearly she has some mental health condition. No worries.... IF she had a physcial disability would you insist she meet you at the top of a set of stairs? NOPE. So you're gonna have to learn to manage having to deal with someone who has some mental health issues. You're lucky, she is refusing to communcate with you. GREAT - Problem solved. So she has NO RIGHT to tell you who is gonna pick up the kid. NONE - So as long as she doesn't use that as grounds to withold the kid, just keep doing what you're doing.

So you could withold the child yourself on welfare grounds... But I'd only recommend this when the kid says, mummy stopped brushing my hair because she needed turn the gas down on the ice lab... Not because mum slept in..... You are the worst person in the world to judge her... WHY? well you are emotionally involved... When the kids school / pre-school starts making notifications to Doc's... Then you have a 3rd party impartial entity making the call... Get back to us then.

Look I get it. My kids spend 2 weeks with the other parent last holidays. Girl didn't wash / brush hair the whole time. Boys didn't shower, 10 yr old tells me she was making breakfast because the other parent doesn't get outa bed till late.... NOT GOOD PARENTING in my book... But the other parent did take them horse riding, and to visit cousins... Pick your battles.
 

Robot12

Active Member
23 May 2017
13
0
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Im coming form experience, not a lawyer. You won't have a great time in court, even if a lawyer promises you that you will. Parties are the mother/father. If mum only wants to txt dad then thats her choice. I would be very surprised if the mothers doctors had to tell you anything - if mum says all is going ok then you need to hear and respect that. At least she told you that! no where in the orders does it say her treating doctors need to provide to the ex husband&new partner a report on her health does it? as for the child and her statements - its called getting attention. The child probably likes the shock factor she gets from you when you ask about her time at mums...this is what little ones (and often not so little ones) do.

If the child is still coming to your place, is communicating with you and shows no signs of abuse then I am really not sure your case will have much weight in court. Sorry if this isn't the answer you were hoping for.